living in the here and now

big news

2007-01-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

its been a while since my last post.
but i now have internet in my home!!!
hooray!!! no more library visits.
i can access the www from my room!
there may be many of you who dont know, so i'll just put it out there to the www.
tuesday ezequiel and i became officially engaged!!! our wedding is planned for the 30th of june.
i got the most beautiful (and most comfortable) ring. if i havent called you to share in the joy, its because i am out of minutes. you'll get a call soon. or if you want, you can call me.
in other news, i have started the alternative fifth year program at montevallo to get a masters in education.
right now i am trying to design a carriculum for a class called "fine arts survery", blah. this is when it would be good to be very cultured. we all know, i am not cultured.
today was my last day at starbucks!!! praise jesus. it was a bitter sweet moment walking through those glass double doors, my last time as a barista (i m keeping my fingers crossed).
i have 8 students through dawson now! this is good, but sometimes overwhelming. i guess i ll get into the swing of things soon.
thanks for caring, people.
i apologize for waiting so long to update.
much love to you.

title change

2006-08-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

my good friend, liz, has requested that i update my blog. so as i began to contemplate what i could write about, i looked at the title of my blog, "waiting for something to happen," and i decided that i didnt like it, not because of how it sounds, but the outlook of life it is.

i think it is unhealthy to live from one big event or stage to the next. it seems my whole life has been that way. always waiting for the next "something" to happen. in middle school, waiting for highschool, waiting for college, waiting for "real life", waiting for a career... and i guess the waiting could continue forever. i would much rather live in the here and now. i think that was the ironic thing about the title, there is nothing left to "happen" to me. i must now be the one to live my life and make things happen. things arent going to "happen" to me anymore. sure, rent will be due every month, but other than that i am free to live and do as i please. what i m saying is: i am finally in the place of life where i am the one making decisions for me. i can do what i want, there are no longer those requirements on me that once seemed so harsh. but now that i dont have them, now that there is no task to conquer, no one standing over me, no burden weighing heavy on my shoulders, its like, i am lost. i have only to please myself. what pleases me? what do i want to do?

the thing is, i think that it takes very little to please me. i dont need a big career. i dont need the next step in order to be happy.
the more i think about it, the more i want to live in the here and the now. and i think the more that i live this way, the next step will come along naturally. i wont be taking the next step just because its the next step, but because its really where i want to go.

When the power goes out...

2006-07-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

i confessed my stupidity to my roomate and my boyfriend... and now i am confessing it to you. i just thought you all might want to know what kind of a person i really am.

yesterday morning the power went out in my apartment. i was cool with that. the sun was up, there was no need to panic. my roomate always makes coffee and leaves usually before i wake up. but there is always left over coffee for me to drink. usually i just turn it back on to get a little hotter. so, yesterday morning, i push the button.... nothing. oh yea! the power is out. i stand there for a bit. i think to myself.... "how else could heat this coffee?" i transfer my coffee from the plastic mug i usually use into a glass one. i have the bright idea to use the microwave. i actually walked across the kitchen and turned on the microwave.... nothing. HELLO!!!! McFLY!!!! the power is out. duh.

so i hope you guys got at least a small laugh out of that one. i was half asleep. (this is what i say to make myself feel better).

its strange how life is completely altared when the power goes out. you know that the power is out, but you flip the light switch anyway when you walk into a room.

i have about five more weeks of this crazy life style. for those of you who dont know, i am working 2 jobs right now. one is babysitting monday-friday 8-4ish. the other is Starbucks. i work there about 20 hours a week. its a pretty sweet deal i've got with these two jobs. through starbucks i get insurance, which has already come in handy; and babysitting gives me some extra cash during the dry season of teaching music.

but i sure am tired! starbucks is a little tiring in general. and i m pretty sure that i am taking in too much caffine (sp?). babysitting is pretty easy, but on the other hand it is kind of frusterating because i feel stuck and confined to this house. sure, we go for a walk, but its really hot and 20 minutes is the maximum for walking. it would be nice if i was allowed to drive around with him.

when i have kids, i dont want to stay at home all the time. i want to go on outings a lot.
those are all of my thoughts for today. more later. sorry if that was really boring.

butterflies

2006-06-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

so, it's been a long time since a boy has been able to give me butterflies in my stomach just by looking me in the eyes. but its safe to say that the butterflies are back. I've known this boy, well, i guess he is a man, for a really long time (about five years actually) and i'm pretty sure the physical attraction has always been there. For some reason we never really "hit it off" until now. maybe because i was living in montevallo and busy as a student, some of the time i had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. but recently we had really enjoyed our time together. and i think we were just naturally drawn to date each other. so, i m pretty sure this will become more serious than just dating, because there is no way either of us would go out with someone else.
its kind of like the cant eat, cant sleep "love" sickness that people get.
i know this is weird to all you who may be reading, its weird to me too. but if you consider that we've known each other for a long time... then its a little reassuring.
but i do have to say that he is the most kind, caring, gentle, and humble man that i have been around for a long long time. and it makes me happy.
just thought i 'd update, since i never do.
see you later world wide web!

moving right along

2006-05-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

so. the next few weeks will be quite eventful. i use 'QUITE' as an adjective too much.
tuesday, i will be traveling to fort lauderdale to visit betsy and james and hannah!!! be there for a week; then, come home and MOVE! Hooray. Pretty sure that amanda and i will be moving like the 27th to a nice little place in homewood. close to work... well that is the voice teaching work. hopefully i will also start exercising (sp? i dont use that word much) at dawson and get "in shape". my allergies are getting better. i had a total crazy spout with them last week. watery eyes and itchy nose... sneezing... yada yada yada.
hmmm... i thought there was more to say... but alas... there is not.
love you all.

Shocked and... (deep down) Offended

2006-04-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a strange day today. Not so much a good one.
This morning everything was normal... I woke up around 9, went to the kitchen for breakfast, let the dog up. Start doing some more research on apartments for rent. Go upstairs to put away some laundry. Suddenly I hear loud thrashing noises from downstairs. So I go downstairs to check it out. There is dog poop in the floor and slobber everywhere. I see Abby, she is squating in the pee position so I run for the leash. I hook it on her and realize that she didnt pee. She is having trouble walking. She slowly slides to the floor. She wont get up. She is shaky and stiff. I run to get her some water, she doesnt drink. I call my dad and freak out. Call the vet, still verey shaken up. He tells me Abby has had a seizure. It will supposedly take her 30 or 45 minutes to be back to normal. A couple of hours has gone by. She is still laying there, but she has had some water to drink. Later she gets up and walks! This is a good sign, but she cant really walk. Her balance is none so good, and something is definitly wrong with her hind legs. Pretty much, I am crying all day. She hasnt eaten for probably 24 hours. I've noticed she's been eating less and less these days.
I am very shocked at how hurt I am. I mean, I knew that I loved her, but I really didn't think I would hurt this much. People always talk about losing pets, and I never truly sympathize with them. In my heart I say, "get over it, its just a dog/cat/hampster/etc." Maybe it would be different if she werent suffering. If she had been hit by a car... or something immediate. But to see her this way is very torturous. I am reminded so much this week of how frail life is. How I take my health for granted and don't use it as I ought.
I begin to get angry thinking of all of the people who are sick and dying. Jesus really gave up a lot to come into this sad, broken world. I think I understand just a little bit more of his anger towards the broken world. His desire to restore it, to redeem it. I looked at my dog realizing how helpless she was. I told myself, I never want to get a dog. It's not worth the pain. Dog's will always die. I can't imagine what it is like to lose a family member, to see them sick and suffering. Then I realized, this is how God views me. I am helpless, sick and suffering... my disease is called sin. He is clothed with compassion. I can't imagine the pain He must feel when He comes to our world and puts on our hurts, our sufferings. When he gets into the muck of it.
I am offended by this life and this world and a God who would allow life to be like this. I guess that is good, because this is not the real life. THIS is not how things are meant to be. Death, destruction, suffering... these are the things that will not be there in heaven. What hope there is in the resurrection. Weird how my dog's weakness and frailty can lead me to reflect on the whole "circle of life" and this curse we are trapped in until Jesus comes. I knew that LIFE was good. But I think today I saw death in a new frightening way. I've been to plenty of funerals. But I dont think death was ever real to me. I have never watched someone die. Some how, I have always evaded it. Even the last stages of life, I have been sheltered from. So many people close to me have lost DEAR ones. There is a new pang that hasn't gone away all day. It is the same pang in my heart when I hear my dad cough. The pang, the STING of death.
I have to remind myself of the truth and of God's goodness, or I would continue in feelings of offense. How could God let us be in this world the way it is? Remember self, He is my shield and defender. He fights for us, our Father! He will not rest until it is finished! He will not tarry longer than necessary.

1 Corinthians 15:54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

I am shocked and offended by all these things, yet even more, I am shocked and offended at my late realization of how real all these have been, my whole life.

More of the same

2006-04-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

not much has changed since my last update.
I am currently hanging out at cool beans... this is probably illegal because i am employed by starbucks. hehehe.
this is a pretty cool night. i just did my taxes. it only took me like.... mmm... an hour and a half.
i really didnt understand much of what was happening, hopefully the IRS wont come and get me. also, there is this great little bluegrass band here that is just jamming out. one guy plays teh flute, some lady is playing an accordian and then there are some violin players and this one guy just broke out a mandolin!!!
thats pretty exciting! makes me wish i had worked here instead of starbucks. but i gotta hold out for the benifits.
amanda hannah and i will hopefully be roomates starting june 1. all we need is a place to live... should be easy right? you really cant search for places to live until like 2 weeks before. so that is a little frusterating.
i might nanny again this summer. i think i ll like it... but at the same time... i think its going to be really boring. i love kids, but its not cool to be stuck at someones house for seven or eight hours. i cant drive them anywhere because i have no car seat. i would really like to be able to take the kid somewhere. maybe i should buy my own car seat. it would be worth it. maybe. i wonder how much those things cost. i should find out the status on that stuff in the next week or so.
gosh these people who are playing music are so cool. if i have kids i will require them to play some sort of stringed instrument. be it the violin, mandolin, guitar, upright bass... it doesnt matter. my heart longs to be able to play like that. singing is good, but its not the same as playing something. :( in heaven i will be an instrumentalist. no doubt.
wish i had more to say.
OH!!! i forgot. i won a cruise. but i realized it wasnt that big of a win. after you pay for the plane ticket to fort lauderdale and all the food for the 3 days you are in the bahamas, and all the fees and stuff, it ends up being about 400$. i've heard you can go on an all expenses paid cruise for 400$. so i decided not to go.
thats about it.

so its about time for an update

2006-04-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

sorry to all those who have been anxiously (sp?) awaiting my superior writing skills exhibited in my blog. this is what is happening in my life:
i found out monday that i am not "chosen" to be a summer intern with sacred road ministries. and honestly i was very relieved. trying to figure out life while leaving for 2 monthes was getting pretty complicated. i will soon be eligible for insurance through starbucks... which is why i started working there in the first place. so i m glad i get to stay there and have benifits!
also, i got a call from some lady the other day and she needs a sitter for her little baby boy for 8 weeks out of the summer. that is pretty exciting. she would pay me 9$/hr!!! hooray. i am going to go meet the family tomorrow afternoon. and i could still work at starbucks nights and weekends. but i'm not sure what the voice lessons will look like this summer. i wouldnt be suprised if i had zero students.
teaching is getting kind of challenging lately bc my students all want fast results. it is frusterating too because you cant just have three or four lessons without practicing and expect to be magically so much better. plus, they dont trust that what i am telling them to do is the right thing. so that is hard too.
on a different note about voice lessons: my friend emily is making business cards for me and they are waaaaaaaaaaaay cool! i will feel so professional when i can whip out one of those things and say "here's my card"
my dad is still coughing all the time. and literally, my heart is pounding and my stomach is up in my mouth. it makes me want to cry. he is killing himself. its really selfish. why doesnt he consider me? i want to be walked down the aisle by my daddy! i want my kids to have a grandaddy! and mainly, i just love him too much to let him go right now or anytime in the near future. it would be different if he was like in a car wreck or had some out-of-his-control type of accident. but this is like something as simple as quitting or cutting back even.
so thats the update. i m sure all ye who read this already knew everything, but just incase i have some secret admirer who needs to be updated...

where everybody knows your name

2006-03-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

so i recently landed a job at starbucks.
i hate to give away our business tactics, but they kind of seem wrong to me, so i m going to blog about them.
starbucks is supposed to be like "the third place." home is the first, work is the second, and starbucks is the third. where you go to get away from it all. we heard story after story about customers who come in daily. the starbucks "partners" (yes, all employees are partners) eventually take the time out to learn their name and drink of choice. the sooner the better. this adds to the cheers effect.
there are many stories of which starbucks is proud of. one in particular sticks out in my memory. a woman was crying in one of the chairs. a partner sees this and asks her if she is okay. offers her a free coffee to try and cheer her up. the woman says, "no, i dont want anything. i just wanted to be somewhere that i felt loved" turns out, this customer had come home from work that day to find her husband and all of his things gone. so who does she turn to? where does she go to feel loved? SHE GOES TO STARBUCKS. there is something seriously wrong with this, people. why doesnt this woman find true friends instead of people who are nice to her so that she will come back and buy another drink?

what is community?

2006-03-08T20:41:00.000-08:00

i have been pondering a little bit what real community is.
tuesdays are interesting time for me. i teach lessons, then i go to community group. it is always a fun time of chatting and joking. but people seem hesitant and even apologetic to talk about serious spiritual issues and even things that are weighing heavily on their hearts.
then after that, i go to a "bible study" that one of my friends from samford is facilitating. it is only girls, and these girls are just bursting at the seems to talk about their hearts' conditions and struggles or joys. it seems like night and day difference.
however i will say, that i do tend to be skeptical of what they are truly thinking. do they admit a struggle and let it lie. hardly ever. they will admit a struggle and then say... this is how i am working to fix this. or i know it will be okay because of...
and i think that is the difference between the two groups. the girls bible study is either genuinely hopeful, or they know how to communicate what the "healthy, vital" Christian attitude "should" be like. i think the community group has been where these girls are, but their hope or even their pretending to have hope has dwindled. and so bringing up heart issues sometimes might seem pointless. becuase we know what we should do. we know the right thing to say, but our hearts arent truly there.
but the weird thing is: we DO continue to share. maybe community is about having someone to listen to you... and know where you are. i think it is also about prayer. we know the right answer, but what can we do to make our hearts change? we can pray. but not just pray for this certain situation to get better, but we pray for God to be faithful to His promises. we pray scripture.
i think the reason we lose hope is because we are hoping in the wrong thing. we are missing the gospel completely. we are still focusing on what we should do or how we should think.
i dont even know what it means to come to christ, to take my burdens to him. what does that look like? to have a faith that relies on prayer. trusting God that much.
who knows if this makes any sense at all.
i just know that in both groups there is a tendency to "go through the motions" either to the extreme of sharing a lot, or sharing not much at all. in both places there is a chance that we didnt have "christian community".
its late. i better stop before this is all mumbo jumbo.

5 a.m. is gonna come quick

2006-03-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

so tomorrow will be my first day to work a semi-early shift at Starbucks (of which I am now an employee). I have to be there at 6:30. I almost liked working there saturday. I was getting good at marking cups and making change. I had the most accurate till (money drawer) out of everyone there. I still need some work on figuring out where all of the buttons are.
there area like 1 million different combonations of drinks that one can choose to have.
I really enjoy seeing all the different types of people who are coffee drinkers. I have met a lot of foreign people too and that makes me happy.

in other news:
my dad has almost choked to death twice.
last week mom and dad and i were watching tv... well mom was sleeping as usual, but dad and i were watching something. out of no where my dad starts to cough like his life depended on it. it was frantic chokey coughing. and mom was ripped from her sleep she stood up and i picked up the phone and began to dial 911. it was a really traumatic experience for me. my life could have been forever changed in that one moment. my fear is that he has emphazema (sp?) and that these coughing fits will only get more frequent and much worse. ugh. stupid cigarettes!
stupid tar! stupid nicotine.

mom and i have had some break throughs in our relationship. that has been good. she has been reading some of the books i have finished, and she likes them for the most part.

bo, the brother, is getting married in 3 weeks. kinda weird. but happy weird.

betsy, the sister, is coming to town for the wedding. her husband who is a minister is officiating the wedding. and i will get to play with my new neice! little hannah girl. hooray!!! i hope that she is happy for the time she will be here. she will be 2 1/2 monthes old. crazy how fast they age.

speaking of aging... i will reach the big 23 on the 18th. gettin on up there....
overall i am enjoying life right now, even though a lot of stuff is still really up in the air.
its time to get some zzzzzzzzzz.

let the blogging begin

2006-02-25T21:26:00.000-08:00

i have officially begun a "blog". switching from LJ is going to be hard, but my friends have convinced me. "everyone else is doing it!"

so...back to square one. i am no longer a part time nanny. now i am a part time voice teacher. i have 7 students, soon to be 9 hopefully. its fun, but i get really mad if students are late. also some of my students are very young and it is quite the challenge to find appropriate songs for them to sing. i have thought about going to grad school, but i m just not sure. music is supposed to be one of those things that connects people, something that makes you feel not alone, something that makes you feel like you can identify with others. but when i was in undergrad, it made me feel really isolated. i want to be good, i want people to be moved by hearing me. but it takes a lot of practicing, practicing means being alone. and i cant justify being like that in my life right now. i want to make a difference. maybe i could do that teaching music. if i went to grad school i would probably get an education degree.
in other (more realistic) news, yesterday i had an interview with starbucks. it went pretty well. i tried to make myself sound pretty good. thats what you always have to do in interviews. also, i have turned in an application to SRM (Sacred Road Ministries). This ministry is located in washington state working with native american people. i think i would be helping with manual labor (roofing and such, which i am a pro at), organizing volunteer groups who come, and working with fetal alcohol syndrome babies. i really want to go. it is 9 weeks long this summer.
and another thing, I am hoping to move in with my friend amanda hannah some time in may. it would be good to have a job (or a steady income) before i move out of my parents house. there is a lot that is up in the air right now. so, i'm doing a lot of waiting. waiting for the manager at starbucks to call back, waiting to hear from SRM, waiting to find out what my life will consist of in the next 3 to 4 monthes. so much to think about. a lot to worry about. all i know is, i want to be around people.
another fun tidbit... some "touring band" had an add in the black n white for a back up vocalist. so i called... and maybe monday night i am going to hear them practice. i talked to the band manager and she said they were a "show" band. they do covers by the supremes and such. so if it did work out that i got to do gigs with them, i would be one of the dancing back up singers who says "oooh ahhh" or "shoooop", and i would get to wear cool sparkly outfits! that would be way cool huh?
oh yea... and one more thing: i am a brand new member at Red Mountain Church. i need to dememberize myself from dawson memorial baptist church.